Dear followers:
I have been waiting to post these entries because some of you are family and we were waiting to share our baby news.
Below you will find my posts over the last eight weeks or so...I finally mustered the courage to publish these posts.
I must warn you that it is a rocky read.
As always your love, prayers and support are needed and welcomed.
Amanda & Chris
Tuesday, April 7th, 2015
#datenight
Back
to normal....but not really. Trying to fake it; we are going to meet up
for date night dinner. It is the perfect forum to talk about the next cycle.
Chris
and I have to decide when to start our final round of IVF. Right now we
have about 1/2 the money we need saved. The first round cost us $16K
(with insurance). The second round was a little better b/c we were on
different meds, $10K.
Our doctor is going to see what meds she can donate to us vs us purchasing them outright. Oh please oh please.
But
the big question remains...what will make this time any different? How
are we going to defeat the problem labeled 'recurrent pregnancy loss'?
Well
the good doc feels that a preventative antibiotic and a steroid will
solve the problem. It seems that my body wants to reject the 'foreign
bodies' that are my embryos. Well that is a huge freakin problem if you
ask me.
We are hesitant of course. But we have to put our faith in God.
We
are hoping for a June start. In the meantime I will be having another
thirty birthday...I think this one is my 6th anniversary of 30
:-)...pushing me further into the 'high risk' pregnancy bracket. Oh
Joy.
Monday,
April 6th, 2015
#backtowork
I
needed to get my mind off my heartache so I went back to work today. My
assistant is so sweet! She put a sign on my desk that says Let’s hope it’s not
one of those weeks when I have to unleash the flying monkeys…Because I WILL.
She left me a note saying I should put it on my door whenever I needed some
quite time. :-)
She knows me too well.
Sunday, April 5th, 2015
#EasterSunday, #Givebacktofeelbetter
Yesterday
my parents and I made Easter baskets for the foster kids next door. The
Old Lady that lives in the Shoe is my next door neighbor. She is 72 yrs
old and has 6 foster kids under the age of 6!
Crazy, right?
So
we went to Target and pretty much bought out all of their Easter stuff
plus a few other goodies. Jump ropes, balls, paddels, stickers, etc.
After
Sunrise Mass at St. John's we snuck next door to deliver the Easter
Bunny's surprise. We were caught. One of the little girls came running
out to thank us and asks Chris if he is the Easter Bunny; my heart
melted. He said yes and she replied with: Can I give you a huh? Tears!
Chris later told me that he wished he could have taken her home with us.
We
are going to try one more round of IVF; if it doesn't work we are going
to apply to become foster parents. If it does work we will still apply
but only when our little one(s) hit the 2 yr mark. We both have always
wanted a big family but we met too late in life to make it a true
reality. God willing we will see our dream come true one day. God
willing. It is in your hands Lord. We trust and have faith that whatever
comes our way is a part of your divine plan.
Saturday,
April 4th, 2015
#coco's
My
parents took me to my follow up with the fertility doctor yesterday. From the
minute that I walked into the clinic until the second that I left I cried. I
checked in, crying. Went for my blood draw, sobbing. Had my ultrasound, still
sobbing. I half felt bad for losing it in front of the happy/hopeful patients
in the waiting room but then I thought, I just don’t care, let them see me cry.
I took a little joy in the fact that my
65 year old parents were sitting in the waiting room looking like hopeful
fertility patients to be…hee hee. I wonder what the other patients were
thinking. LOL
We went to my dad's favorite restaurant afterwards...Coco's :-$ yum... (but really yuck)
Friday,
April 3rd, 2015
It
is with heavy heart that I post today. We lost the babies early Thursday
morning. I woke up at midnight with painful cramping and heavy bleeding. We
went to the ER. Chris rushed to wake my parents and the four of us drove to the
hospital. L
They three of them only left my side when I was taken back for my ultrasound.
They were great, loving and supportive. Even though they were heartbroken they
stayed strong for me which was just what I needed. My mom held my hair while I
puked and puked. My dad held my hand and Chris sat by my side.
Why?
Why? Why? I keep asking myself why. If I just knew why maybe it wouldn’t hurt
so bad.
My
mom has always been clairvoyant, she has dreamt about most major disasters the
night before they have happened. It’s weird and freaky but true. She told me
today that when Chris came to wake her up last night she was having a dream.
She dreamt about two little angel babies, a boy and a girl. They floated above
her and told her to tell their mom not to be sad; they are in heaven together.
They were holding hands and smiling. I cried for an hour. I have tears
streaming down my face as I write this.
I
told Chris that I wanted to name the babies but he feels it’s too weird or
maybe just too hard. So I am going to call them my angel babies instead.
Wednesday,
April 1st, 2015
I
ended up staying home to rest today; last night when we got home I had a fever
of 102. This does not bode well….we called the afterhours hotline for the
fertility clinic and they said to take Tylenol every four hours and use ice
packs on my neck, lower back and extremities. I also was instructed to drink 40
ounces of liquid in 30 minutes. Try doing that and not barfing. Well I did it. And
now I am resting. I am so glad that my mom is here to take care of me. :-)
Tuesday,
March 31st, 2015
#finally
Today
is finally here and I feel like crap! I am sitting at work feeling very chilled :-( bummer. I have
really bad morning sickness and my office is freezing. G-2 Orange Gatorade and
saltines is about all I can keep down today. My poor day porter had to come and
change my trash can liner out b/c I didn’t make it to the bathroom. My pregnancy
nose is in full bloom! One of my co-workers is driving me mad! He smells like cherry
cigarettes, motor oil and wintergreen….ugh….It’s all worth it though.
Saturday,
March 28th, 2015
#redcoats
The
British are coming the British are coming!!
Okay
the redcoats are not coming but my parents are! Mom and dad (mine) are coming
for a five day visit over ‘spring break’. My mom, granny nanny extraordinaire
will have a week long break from babysitting while my sister is on spring break
from the Howard County school system and it is perfect timing. We will get to
announce that we are pregnant with TWINS!
The
plan is as follows: they fly into McCarran airport on Tuesday the 31st,
they will rent a car and drive to the Hoover Dam. After they finish up their
tour they will meet us for dinner at Town Square. We will make a slight detour
to the Welcome to Las Vegas sign to take a touristy picture. We will snap
photos of them first and then line up to take our picture. I spent an hour
today making two poster board signs that say: Vegas & Babies?? We will hold
them up just as they are snapping the picture.
I
can’t wait to see their faces!!!
Wednesday,
March 25th, 2015
#grapes&cake
The
cravings have begun! The hubby got a call on Friday night while he was at
dialysis…I wanted grapes and cake! He lovingly obliged.
Thursday,
March 19th, 2015
Levels
are rising! 760!!! Ultrasound is scheduled for our birthday’s. If you don’t
already know this about us…the hub’s and I have the same birthday. J We are a lucky
seven years apart to the day!
Tuesday,
March 17th , 2015
#HCG
My
levels are 186! Awesome, I am officially pregnant! My readers won’t know this
for a while though because all my posts back from February until now have gone
unlisted! I don’t want to announce too soon J I will retest in two days to make
sure my levels are doubling every 48 hours. I can’t wait to tell you all!!!!
Monday,
March 16th
#tomorrow,
tomorrow
I
can’t wait for tomorrow. They tell you not to take a pregnancy test at
home;
don’t cheat! Well I don’t’ have to cheat! I am having morning sickness
already! We are ready for some good news and happiness. These last
couple of weeks have been really tough. We really miss Dan and it is
taking its toll.
Monday,
March 9th, 2015
#backhome
Chris’s
brothers Matt and Michael came down to LV from Oregon last week Wednesday. Matt
drove with his wife Tonya and daughter Savanna 17 hours without stopping and
Michael flew in on Virgin America from Portland. We all drove down to Phoenix
together to be with Kathy and their step brother Robert. On the way down we
found out that Kathy had planned and scheduled the funeral for Saturday the 7th.
I guess it is best to get these things over with quickly so closure can begin.
Most
of the family and close friends were in attendance. Cousin Tracy gave a
heartfelt eulogy and we all cried…a lot.
Dad
served our country in Vietnam and dutifully fulfilled 23 years of service in
the US Airforce. Dad served another 20 years in the Salem Sheriff’s office and
lived a full and rich life. He died too young at age 66. He would have been
married to Kathy for 25 years at the end of this month. #heartbreaking
Tuesday,
March 3rd, 2015
#sadnews
I
got a call at work today from the hubs. I answered the phone and I could tell
that he had been crying. He said something has happened; I immediately thought
that he had wrecked the camero. No such luck…my father in-law passed away
today. A sudden heart attack. They had just got back from their 2 week
cruise/vacation to Tahiti on Friday…how could this happen. Dad and Kathy were
at the base commissary shopping after their long trip. When they got home and
started to unload the groceries he dropped to the floor and died. My sadness
knows no boundaries. I am overwhelmed with grief; I am crying for my husband
for his step mother Kathy and for our family.
Dan
has had a pacemaker and defibrillator for many years now. He was supposed to
have it replaced late last year but put it off until after the Tahiti trip. Our
only solace is that he got to spend his last few months on this earth doing the
things he loved the most. He took his grandchildren to Hawaii for Thanksgiving,
he spent Christmas with family and took an amazing trip to the last place on
his bucket list. I am saddened to know that he will never hold our children in
his arms, he won’t be there to teach them how to tell an F-16 from a C-130. My
heart aches today.
Saturday,
February 28th, 2015
#overthemoon
Excited!
Can’t stop smiling. Chris held my hand the entire time and we didn’t stop
staring into each other’s eyes. A miracle is happening today, a freaking
miracle. Modern science and medicine are hard at work.
Now
it is time for a little ‘princess time’; I get to do absolutely nothing for
three whole days!!!
Friday,
February 27th, 2015
Tomorrow
is the day! Good luck little embryos; thaw carefully. If all goes well we will
find out on St. Patty’s day that we are preggo!
Wednesday,
February 18th, 2015
The
doc took me off the provera; it is making me too sick. I am going straight to
the shots and another oral medication; it is time to get the uterus ready! If
all goes well we will implant on the 28th of February.
Next
on the docket: blood tests and ultrasounds every two days.
Monday,
February 16th, 2015
#Blessed
Chris
and I just got back from our quick trip back east for my nephew’s baptism. My
sister asked me to be lil’ H’s Godmother…an awesome responsibility for sure. It
was nice to see both of my sisters, their husbands and little ones but it was
bitter sweet. Everytime I hold a baby or play with my toddler nephew Sam my
heart aches for one of my own. The clock is ticking louder than ever and I can’t
help thinking, when will it be our turn? But I have to push all of the internal
noise aside and just enjoy the moment; enjoy being an Auntie.
As
for the period…well it was still MIA as of the 14th so I started the
provera for ten days. Side note: Provera makes me very sick, puking sick,
heartburn sick, dizzy sick. Barf. Funny story of the trip…Sunday night back at
the Westin in Rockville, I am sitting around reading and unwinding before bed
and I start to feel sick. The hubs is in the bathroom…well going the bathroom.
I sudden wave of nausea comes over me and I panic. Let me in, let me in, let me
in I shout at the poor unsuspecting husband. Hurry, hurry, hurry, I pant. Well
I end up using the trashcan while he scrambles to put himself together and
flush. My heaving is so violent I start to pee myself! Oh lort!! The toilet is
slow to flush! The hubs takes off the tank cover and attempts to add water to
the tank with the ice bucket. The porcelain toilet tank cracks in half (we are
never showing our faces back at that Westin again)! After all of the fuss I
pass out for the night and wake up feeling like a hung over 22 yr old. Ouch.
Where are my sunglasses?
