Hump Day

Wednesday, January 21, 2015…get over the ‘hump’ day

I made a crucial decision today; I am going to start seeing a psychologist again. A few years back I sought out therapy while going through some major work issues and I think it is high time I get back to the practice of working out my stress and issues.

 Last week I came to the realization that my attitude has turned quite negative. I want to have a positive outlook on life again; I want to sing in the shower again. I want to laugh with abandon again; hell I just want to smile at strangers again!

So this is me getting over the self-pity ‘hump’.

The good news is: Hubby’s health plan covers unlimited visits with a $30 co-pay. Thank you Aetna; look at me, more positive already. Only two months ago I was cursing their name for not covering IVF meds!

IVF Update:

I went in for my full blood work-up on Monday of this week and then had to go back on Tuesday b/c they ran the wrong panel…fasting two days in a row not so bad for the waist line :-)

My follow up appointment with the doctor is next week on Thursday and at that time we will go over my test results and plan accordingly from there. If all goes well we will start our next round of meds the first week of February and hope to transfer our remaining two embryos the first week of March.

Please keep us in your prayers.

The 1 Hour Pregnancy

Friday, January 9, 2015

Google News Headline today:

Woman Learns She's Pregnant, Gives Birth To 10-Pound Baby 1 Hour Later

#Bullshit

So Chris and I met with our Fertility Doctor (FD) yesterday to discuss my ‘biochemical miscarriage’ and our next steps. I had come prepared: A) Not to cry and B) Armed with a long list of questions and What If scenarios / questions.

The end result, I feel more discouraged than ever, foolish for beginning this process with an optimistic outlook and ANGRY at our doctor for giving me what I am now labeling as false sense of hope.

So that was inflammatory but it is how I feel.

When we first met with our FD she made it seem like this was going to be a piece of cake. I was still young(ish) and my ovaries were good little producers of good quality eggs and although Chris’s sperm was not ideal we were the perfect candidate for IVF! She would make all of our family dreams come true!

Well, after our appointment yesterday and my peppering of questions the newly formed opinion is that we were lucky to have made 4 relatively healthy embryos and that our Doctor was actually ‘surprised’ that we got that many! My how the story and her optimism had changed; I was shocked and beside myself. I felt like if she was on a bicycle right then she would have backpedaled all the way to Kansas.

‘Considering your polycystic syndrome / egg quality and your husband’s sperm you are very lucky. WTF??

So what is the next step(s)?  

1.       I asked for an updated blood work panel to be completed since we had not done a full work up in over a year.

2.       I need to get rid of my chest cold; according to the Doc my cold could have contributed to the miscarriage. Well, no shit! When I got the cold I called in a panic asking what do I do? What can I take? I was told not to worry, take some OTC cough syrup (brand recommended) and cough drops that do not contain alcohol. Come to find out my mid grade fever of 101.4 could have caused me to miscarry! Again, WTF??

3.      I am going to give myself some time to mentally prepare for this next cycle / battle. I need to be in a better frame of mind. In my doctors words, I need to have that ‘light in my eyes again’. Well how the F is that going to happen when I have lost faith in this process. If I truly did nothing wrong to cause this ‘bio-chemical’ miscarriage then why do we think this is going to work this time? **Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the very f-ing definition of insanity.

We only have enough frozen embryos for one more attempt. After that we either opt for another round of egg production and extraction (aka, The Hell Olympics) or we choose to implant a donor embryo.

 Chris and I are taking the next few days to think about this option and then we will discuss what each of us wants to do. There is no guarantee that the donor embryo will take…maybe I just have a ‘hostile uterus’.

Magic?

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

I get so tired of well-intended family members telling Chris and I that we are just going to magically have a baby someday.. They just *know* it's going to happen. They tell us God is going to let you naturally conceive if that's what you pray hard enough for, as if that's the only way to have a family.

 I want to yell and them and scream that NO SOMETIMES YOU DON'T EVER END UP PREGNANT, NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY OR WHAT YOU DO!!!

 Why isn’t infertility a socially acceptable reason to grieve?

 Anger is my #1 emotion right now. I am infertile angry.

What is infertile angry you ask? It is hearing from one of your friends that they are taking their three kids on an extravagant trip to the Disney Resort. I’m not…because our IVF treatments just cost us 15 disney trips! Oh yeah and we still have not renovated the kitchen because we are drowning in medical bills that could have built a kitchen worthy of HG freaking TV.

Anyway off my soap box for the day... I wish infertility was like all other diseases where your friends and neighbors bring you meals and send flowers....

Dirty Words

Monday, January 05, 2015 = BFN

 Infertility....the word can sometimes just slip out like vomit and once it’s out it has the same affect on people.

It’s like poison to the mind, body and soul. You never think as your grow up that it could happen to you. You hear about tragic events in your friend’s family and strangers life's and think wow that really sucks, I really should pray for them. Then to yourself you quietly think: gosh I'm sooo glad that is not me. That infertility is only a freak incident that could never happen to me; what are the chances 1 and a multimillion?

You see announcements on facebook, twitter and instagram. It is everywhere: I’M PREGO YAY!!!!!!  You think to yourself one day that will be me. But then it’s not and you are angry, sad, disappointed…you think why have my own embryos rejected me?

As mentioned in my previous post; my test results from the 30^th did not reveal any concrete results. We were told that my HSG level was ‘really low’ and that I would have to retest on the 2^nd of January.

 According to What to Expect When you’re Expecting my HSG level should be between 5 and 439 at this stage in my ‘pregnancy’ and should double ever 48 hours. My level on the 30^th was on the low end of the spectrum (5.34).

Test results from the 2^nd still did not reveal a yes or a no but were a tad higher at 6.45. On the plus side the level did rise but it did not double.

This is the point at which I resigned myself to the fact that we had lost both embryos and that we would have to start over again with our only two remaining embryos. I was told to come back on Monday the 5^th to retest and if my HSG level did not at least double that we were going to have to start again….

Test results from today….just in: 1.16.

Heart = Broken

I don’t want to do this again. It is too hard.

 How can I say that?

 One of my closest and dearest friends has now done this 6 times and is starting her 7^th cycle.

What makes me such a quitter?

Have I mentioned that I strive each and every day to keep it together for my sweet beloved husband that is literally dying? Oh yeah there it is, the self pity. Go away self pity, thank you. If it was only that easy…grumble, sigh and sob.

Till my next update.