Dirty Words

Monday, January 05, 2015 = BFN

 Infertility....the word can sometimes just slip out like vomit and once it’s out it has the same affect on people.

It’s like poison to the mind, body and soul. You never think as your grow up that it could happen to you. You hear about tragic events in your friend’s family and strangers life's and think wow that really sucks, I really should pray for them. Then to yourself you quietly think: gosh I'm sooo glad that is not me. That infertility is only a freak incident that could never happen to me; what are the chances 1 and a multimillion?

You see announcements on facebook, twitter and instagram. It is everywhere: I’M PREGO YAY!!!!!!  You think to yourself one day that will be me. But then it’s not and you are angry, sad, disappointed…you think why have my own embryos rejected me?

As mentioned in my previous post; my test results from the 30^th did not reveal any concrete results. We were told that my HSG level was ‘really low’ and that I would have to retest on the 2^nd of January.

 According to What to Expect When you’re Expecting my HSG level should be between 5 and 439 at this stage in my ‘pregnancy’ and should double ever 48 hours. My level on the 30^th was on the low end of the spectrum (5.34).

Test results from the 2^nd still did not reveal a yes or a no but were a tad higher at 6.45. On the plus side the level did rise but it did not double.

This is the point at which I resigned myself to the fact that we had lost both embryos and that we would have to start over again with our only two remaining embryos. I was told to come back on Monday the 5^th to retest and if my HSG level did not at least double that we were going to have to start again….

Test results from today….just in: 1.16.

Heart = Broken

I don’t want to do this again. It is too hard.

 How can I say that?

 One of my closest and dearest friends has now done this 6 times and is starting her 7^th cycle.

What makes me such a quitter?

Have I mentioned that I strive each and every day to keep it together for my sweet beloved husband that is literally dying? Oh yeah there it is, the self pity. Go away self pity, thank you. If it was only that easy…grumble, sigh and sob.

Till my next update.