Hump Day

Wednesday, January 21, 2015…get over the ‘hump’ day

I made a crucial decision today; I am going to start seeing a psychologist again. A few years back I sought out therapy while going through some major work issues and I think it is high time I get back to the practice of working out my stress and issues.

 Last week I came to the realization that my attitude has turned quite negative. I want to have a positive outlook on life again; I want to sing in the shower again. I want to laugh with abandon again; hell I just want to smile at strangers again!

So this is me getting over the self-pity ‘hump’.

The good news is: Hubby’s health plan covers unlimited visits with a $30 co-pay. Thank you Aetna; look at me, more positive already. Only two months ago I was cursing their name for not covering IVF meds!

IVF Update:

I went in for my full blood work-up on Monday of this week and then had to go back on Tuesday b/c they ran the wrong panel…fasting two days in a row not so bad for the waist line :-)

My follow up appointment with the doctor is next week on Thursday and at that time we will go over my test results and plan accordingly from there. If all goes well we will start our next round of meds the first week of February and hope to transfer our remaining two embryos the first week of March.

Please keep us in your prayers.

The 1 Hour Pregnancy

Friday, January 9, 2015

Google News Headline today:

Woman Learns She's Pregnant, Gives Birth To 10-Pound Baby 1 Hour Later

#Bullshit

So Chris and I met with our Fertility Doctor (FD) yesterday to discuss my ‘biochemical miscarriage’ and our next steps. I had come prepared: A) Not to cry and B) Armed with a long list of questions and What If scenarios / questions.

The end result, I feel more discouraged than ever, foolish for beginning this process with an optimistic outlook and ANGRY at our doctor for giving me what I am now labeling as false sense of hope.

So that was inflammatory but it is how I feel.

When we first met with our FD she made it seem like this was going to be a piece of cake. I was still young(ish) and my ovaries were good little producers of good quality eggs and although Chris’s sperm was not ideal we were the perfect candidate for IVF! She would make all of our family dreams come true!

Well, after our appointment yesterday and my peppering of questions the newly formed opinion is that we were lucky to have made 4 relatively healthy embryos and that our Doctor was actually ‘surprised’ that we got that many! My how the story and her optimism had changed; I was shocked and beside myself. I felt like if she was on a bicycle right then she would have backpedaled all the way to Kansas.

‘Considering your polycystic syndrome / egg quality and your husband’s sperm you are very lucky. WTF??

So what is the next step(s)?  

1.       I asked for an updated blood work panel to be completed since we had not done a full work up in over a year.

2.       I need to get rid of my chest cold; according to the Doc my cold could have contributed to the miscarriage. Well, no shit! When I got the cold I called in a panic asking what do I do? What can I take? I was told not to worry, take some OTC cough syrup (brand recommended) and cough drops that do not contain alcohol. Come to find out my mid grade fever of 101.4 could have caused me to miscarry! Again, WTF??

3.      I am going to give myself some time to mentally prepare for this next cycle / battle. I need to be in a better frame of mind. In my doctors words, I need to have that ‘light in my eyes again’. Well how the F is that going to happen when I have lost faith in this process. If I truly did nothing wrong to cause this ‘bio-chemical’ miscarriage then why do we think this is going to work this time? **Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the very f-ing definition of insanity.

We only have enough frozen embryos for one more attempt. After that we either opt for another round of egg production and extraction (aka, The Hell Olympics) or we choose to implant a donor embryo.

 Chris and I are taking the next few days to think about this option and then we will discuss what each of us wants to do. There is no guarantee that the donor embryo will take…maybe I just have a ‘hostile uterus’.

Magic?

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

I get so tired of well-intended family members telling Chris and I that we are just going to magically have a baby someday.. They just *know* it's going to happen. They tell us God is going to let you naturally conceive if that's what you pray hard enough for, as if that's the only way to have a family.

 I want to yell and them and scream that NO SOMETIMES YOU DON'T EVER END UP PREGNANT, NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY OR WHAT YOU DO!!!

 Why isn’t infertility a socially acceptable reason to grieve?

 Anger is my #1 emotion right now. I am infertile angry.

What is infertile angry you ask? It is hearing from one of your friends that they are taking their three kids on an extravagant trip to the Disney Resort. I’m not…because our IVF treatments just cost us 15 disney trips! Oh yeah and we still have not renovated the kitchen because we are drowning in medical bills that could have built a kitchen worthy of HG freaking TV.

Anyway off my soap box for the day... I wish infertility was like all other diseases where your friends and neighbors bring you meals and send flowers....

Dirty Words

Monday, January 05, 2015 = BFN

 Infertility....the word can sometimes just slip out like vomit and once it’s out it has the same affect on people.

It’s like poison to the mind, body and soul. You never think as your grow up that it could happen to you. You hear about tragic events in your friend’s family and strangers life's and think wow that really sucks, I really should pray for them. Then to yourself you quietly think: gosh I'm sooo glad that is not me. That infertility is only a freak incident that could never happen to me; what are the chances 1 and a multimillion?

You see announcements on facebook, twitter and instagram. It is everywhere: I’M PREGO YAY!!!!!!  You think to yourself one day that will be me. But then it’s not and you are angry, sad, disappointed…you think why have my own embryos rejected me?

As mentioned in my previous post; my test results from the 30^th did not reveal any concrete results. We were told that my HSG level was ‘really low’ and that I would have to retest on the 2^nd of January.

 According to What to Expect When you’re Expecting my HSG level should be between 5 and 439 at this stage in my ‘pregnancy’ and should double ever 48 hours. My level on the 30^th was on the low end of the spectrum (5.34).

Test results from the 2^nd still did not reveal a yes or a no but were a tad higher at 6.45. On the plus side the level did rise but it did not double.

This is the point at which I resigned myself to the fact that we had lost both embryos and that we would have to start over again with our only two remaining embryos. I was told to come back on Monday the 5^th to retest and if my HSG level did not at least double that we were going to have to start again….

Test results from today….just in: 1.16.

Heart = Broken

I don’t want to do this again. It is too hard.

 How can I say that?

 One of my closest and dearest friends has now done this 6 times and is starting her 7^th cycle.

What makes me such a quitter?

Have I mentioned that I strive each and every day to keep it together for my sweet beloved husband that is literally dying? Oh yeah there it is, the self pity. Go away self pity, thank you. If it was only that easy…grumble, sigh and sob.

Till my next update.

Results Day!

So it is December 30^th…the day of results.

I wish I could say I had glowing and positive thoughts to share but I don’t.

My doctor just called and although the pregnancy blood test came back positive she is ‘VERY’ concerned about the very low levels of pregnancy hormones in my sample. According to her this could mean 383 different things and she has ‘seen it go both ways’.

It could mean that my body recognized the embryos as ‘implanted’ but only one made it or neither made it. It could mean my body is just taking extra time producing the natural ‘pregnancy hormone’….

I will retest again on Friday, which seems like a year away and if my levels have risen than that is a good sign and I get to stay on my meds and schedule an ultrasound for 2 weeks from Friday. If the levels are the same or lower, I will be directed to discontinue the meds and we will start a new IVF cycle as soon as I have a period.

I wish I could say that I was not tearing up as I type this week’s post but I totally am. The first round including meds was so expensive even though insurance picked up 80%...(not including meds)  we may have to wait on the second round until we save up more $$$. Which is really gonna kill me; I hate waiting. But…I know that this is God’s will and I must accept it.  

I am not sure how Chris took the news; I was trying to explain to him over the phone while in a crowded restaurant and he just snapped at me telling me to speak up and into the GD phone.

So that is awesome; imagine sitting in a crowded restaurant trying to hold it together while sharing the not so great news with the one that is supposed to love you the most in this world and they just scream back at you. As if my hormones weren’t keeping me on edge enough.

I will cut him some slack; I know this is hard for us both.

Well folks, I hope my next update will be more upbeat…please continue to pray that God’s will is done.

Thank you, Amanda & Chris and hopefully still two embryos.

Genetically Viable...ugly words

December 22^nd

Fox News Headline today:

 Seven girls, ages 13 to 15, are pregnant after a five-day school trip to their country’s capital city and their parents are being blamed.

http://nypost.com/2014/12/22/seven-teenage-girls-get-pregnant-on-school-trip/

 A doctor was quoted saying:  “Early sexual relations lead to adverse consequences such as infertility, various diseases, miscarriages and premature births.”

What is this world coming to? Really people? Really! I know I seem a bit emotional today but I have every right! Chris and I have to subject ourselves to the mercy of infertility treatments and by subject I mean: financially, physically and most of all emotionally. It has been a roller coaster ride, tests, injections, procedures, the humiliation of having your beav up high and on display as the doctor performs their voodoo magic to your ovaries and uterus. All the while teens are getting pregnant all over the world without so much as a hey how do you do!

The fertile really have no idea how sad this makes women and their partners out there just like us.

On to better topics...

Today I went in for my first post transfer bloodwork and it was good meaning hormone levels are where they are supposed to be and we keep waiting until day 10 when we find out the answer to our family…but I am jumping ahead.

We went in for the egg retrieval on the 13^th of December and out of the 36 eggs only 17 were viable. Our good Doctor was able to make 14 embryos with the 17 eggs and they all made it to the ‘critical’ day three! So here was our choice: our IVF package included the genetic testing of only 8 embryos but we could spend another $300 per embryo for testing over the 8. So we spent the $1800 and we are so glad that we did!

Only 4 of the 14 embryos were ‘genetically viable’ meaning they had all 46 chromosomes no more and no less. Two of each one from each genetic donor (Chris & I).  We came out with two girl embryos and two boy embryos.

We ‘transferred’ one boy and one girl this past Thursday the 18^th... Of course I asked if we could transfer 3 but the wise doctor said NO!

Post transfer I got to enjoy ‘princess time’ or what I like to call being bored out of your mind time. Time when you relish in watching cheesy scyfy movies like Snomageddon and Ice Quake and Icetastrophe….. I really hope our children get my taste in movies.

This ‘princess time’ is also the time for me to start taking more meds including what is listed on my IVF calendar as ‘vag gel’. Yes folks….it is what it sounds like. An oral progesterone medication that if I am lucky I get to take two times daily for the next ten weeks; throw in a daily blood thinner injection for six months and a prenatal that makes me burp up what I can only describe as prehistoric smelling putrescence and I am in heaven. But…it is all for a good cause.

So back to the good news….

Bloodwork my hormone levels are increasing and I retest on Friday. If all goes well we (meaning me) take a preggo test on Tuesday the 30^th and then again on the 2^nd just to confirm.

Then it is on to the world of ultrasounds a few weeks after that! We should know by January 15^th or so if we have one, two, three….or four brewing inside my uterus that is just now feeling very small J Oh yes folks you read that right….on day eight (this past Saturday) both of our little embryos had the possibility of splitting into two. My NP calls it a ‘freak of nature’ and yes, she knows I am a twin, aka freak of nature. So I guess it was a sound medical decision on the Doctors part to only put in two and not three like I requested. *Chris is laughing on the floor right now….and thinking about moving to Canada and changing his name.

Stay posted for our next update!

Forever grateful for your love and prayers!

Amanda & Chris….and at least two embryos.

Donor Update

Update:

1.       I do not qualify as a donor. ..So that is disappointing.

2.       After Chris’s semi-annual check-up this August, in Arizona, his transplant coordinator told us that we don’t have much longer to wait…a year at the most. Please cross your fingers and say some prayers. 

3.      Chris started a new job. Now that is better news! Chris is now working as an inside sales rep for a company that sells just about everything China makes ;-) the upside is flexible work hours, sense of accomplishment and another health insurance coverage. We are so blessed that he will now be TRIPLE covered. How many people in the US can say that they even have some coverage? We are lucky folks, lucky. This means no co-pays and less out of pocket for when he does get called for his transplant. Phew…we even got a letter from the new insurance company saying that they will cover our travel expenses to the Mayo Clinic and my lodging while we are there for his transplant. Whoa.  

4.      After a lot of pressure and prodding from his social worker at Fresenius; Chris applied to be on UMC’s transplant wait list in addition to the Mayo Clinic. We were both hesitant at first b/c UMC was sanctioned a few years back due to the high mortality rate of their transplant patients.  But we did our research and found out that after rigorous testing and recertifying it is a viable option for us. Well….we got the call last week saying: hey, you have been accepted, but, neither of your insurance companies will cover services at UMC so…you can go out of pocket for the cost of the transplant or choose not to be on our list. Uh…did that even deserve a half a thought? No, it did not. We will stick with Mayo. There has to be some reason that the top two insurance carries in the country do not cover services at your facility.

5.      In July of this year we began the adoption process through Catholic Charities of Southern Nevada. Unfortunately…the average wait time for a child is 3 years and longer if you want to be paired with a birth mother that did not do any drugs or alcohol during her pregnancy. In Las Vegas that is a bit of a long shot…but we decided to pursue our dreams of a family any way.  

6.      In October we found out that Chris’s new insurance covers a portion of IVF! We discussed this option at length and decided to take advantage of the benefit. The hard part about making this decision was putting a hold on the adoption process. Catholic Charities is pretty strict about not pursuing a family 'naturally' while waiting to adopt. And rightly so. We totally get it. So we committed to three tries of IVF and if after that we cannot get pregnant we will un -pause the adoption search.

7.      Today, December 1, 2014 we are beginning our first fertility treatment cycle. It is hard…I have logged over 5 hours of phone calls with the insurance company and the meds I am on have presented with a variety of not so fun side effects. But if all goes well I will have my eggs harvested on the 14^th and then two embryos implanted on the 19^th of this month. So this could be exciting. Because the only thing we want more in this world than a family is two kidney’s and a pancreas. So with any luck, God will bless us with both this coming year.

As always, your continued love, support and prayers keep us going. Thank you.